Well I never saw it coming, shoulda started running a long, long time ago.

So I'm going to the band halloween party in a little while. I'm sad that I can't use my costume from trick or tke, but this one isn't terrible. It's actually really cute. Julianne wore it our freshman year, so I'm just borrowing. It's quick and easy. People are probably going to steal my tail all night though. I'm going as a cat.

So...they broke up, or rather they're "taking a break." I don't know what that means for me. Stephanie asked if we were going to get back together, and I honestly don't know. The one guy I could actually fall for again...but is it worth the risk?

If your body matches what your eyes can do, you'll probably move right through me on my way to you.

So Trick or TKE was fun...not as awkward as I was afraid it would be. I went as Heaven and my friend, Julianne, went as Hell. That's her boyfriend in the picture with her...we decided that he was Death.

My roommate, Stephanie, went as the Devil's Temptress. See her horns? Unfortunately, the Anti-Christ, a.k.a. JR, was in Arkansas that weekend. Alisha (she's in the middle) went as a Hooter's girl, and it's safe to say that she was the hit of the party. Leslie (on the right) was Mother Earth, hence the leaves in her hair and the leaf drawn on her face.

I'm supposed to dress up again tomorrow for the band party, but I don't know how that's going to turn out. I won't have all the make-up I used for Trick or TKE, and my counterpart won't even be wearing her costume because she has to go to work first and it most definitely is not proper work attire. So we'll see.

Now on to other things...

My love-life is pretty much at a standstill right now, but that's ok. I don't really have any prospects and I'm not really looking. It's not like I want a boyfriend anyway. Scratch that...it would be nice to have a boyfriend, but right now I don't really have time for one. Not to mention the fact that I don't stand a snowball's chance in hell with the person I want to be with. That might not be a bad thing though, and I've almost come to terms with it. That's not to say I don't still want to be with him...it's just a little easier to bear the knowledge that it may not be meant to be.

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer.

So, a giant monkey wrench has been thrown into my life.

And I have no idea what it means, much less what to do about it.

*sigh*

So there's this boy...

And I've got to admit...

He's got my attention.

Bottom line:

If he wants me, I'm his.

First time that I saw your eyes, boy you looked right through me.

If you can't get someone out of your head, then maybe they're supposed to be there.

--but what if they don't know that? What then? Are we supposed to spend our days thinking about that person constantly, wondering if he even knows?

She got them apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur, the whole club lookin' at her.

So I had a disturbing dream last night. It was like my senior year was happening all over again...only with my college friends. For the most part I don't give a rat's ass what people think about me, but with this it's different. I lost a lot of friends when it happened and my reputation was ruined.

The scary part is, now that I actually think about it, that my current situation is very similar to that time. Actually, the only difference is that this time I actually like the guy. Last time, he was my best friend.

So, in reality nothing is wrong, but my dream really freaked me out. I don't want that rumor to start again in a new place. I would never under any circumstances try to take somebody else's guy...but I know from experience that the truth doesn't mean anything.

I am so glad this week is over...well except for tomorrow, but I'm not stressed about it. This is the one thing I actually wanted to go to. I have to admit that the dance competition wasn't that bad...just really loud.

I've pretty much adopted an "I don't give a damn" attitude about everything here lately. If it's not school, work, or family related...I'm not putting that much effort into it. I don't know. This week has just been so stressful. I feel like I haven't had time to breathe.

So yeah. Whatever.

The best things in life are illegal, immoral, or fattening.

"When your worries come true, you simply dwell in reality, and numbness forms, acting as a symptom of anger, disbelief, and hurt." -Erin Warde

I've never heard it put that way before reading my friend's essay, but I must say that I agree.

Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they?

"Never give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about."

---That's really hard to do, especially when all you want to do is stop thinking about someone.


So my dad was put in the hospital this morning. Add that to the mountain of stress I have.

I don't cry, at all.

But here lately I've felt like crying almost every day.

I just want to go to sleep and not wake up until everything is better.



Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today.
-James Dean

I don't understand, but when do I ever?

We spent an hour together...a whole hour. An hour that he could have easily opted out of.

And yet...there's another girl.

What?!

I don't understand.

Who said that it's better to have loved and lost? I wish that I had never loved at all.

I've been thinking a lot here lately...about everything. Sometimes I don't think I should be left alone with my thoughts. I have way too many, and it's impossible for me to turn them off. I guess that's why I started writing, but that's besides the point.

So I've been thinking...about relationships. I don't mean romantic relationships alone. I've been thinking about all my relationships...those with family, friends, and even significant others. And all this thinking has brought forth a lot of musings...and I still don't have all the answers needed to satisfy those musings...

You see, I had this friend...and she sold all of us out for her boyfriend. Now don't get me wrong, I don't know the guy so I can't criticize him...but is it healthy for a person to completely change who they are because of a relationship? Now I have no doubt in my mind that some day farther down the road, my former friend will wake up and realize all the damage she's done. It may be relatively soon or it may be in the distant future, but she will come to that realization. The really sad part about this situation, however, is the fact that all of us have already started to move on as if she were never really a part of our lives...which has led me to wonder, if a person is so easily forgotten, were they ever really that important in your life to begin with?

Now I've got this problem where I can't get a person out of my mind. It's not necessarily a bad thing because I know that I like this person, but things are definitely not to my liking. This guy is really important to me, and I don't mean that in a romantic way. He's a really close friend of mine...and when I say close, I mean close. Things have happened between us that no one else knows, and I intend to keep it that way. I can't explain why I like him. In all actuality, I probably shouldn't...but you can't help who you like...you're not supposed to, right?

I got to talk to my brother this afternoon for a long time. And then afterwards my mom and I talked...she's like my conscious. Seriously. Anyway, we were talking about how my brother and I grew up together and were basically twins. We're not, by the way. Anyway, that got me to thinking about when he moved out and pretty much destroyed my life...my relationship with my brother went from unbelievably strong to almost non-existent and now it's building back to what we used to have.

Life is such a funny thing. You think you've got everything, and then something happens to take it all away...and then, when you least expect it, everything starts to fall into place again. It's like one big circle. What goes around, comes around...but in this circle of life, do we ever truly get what we want? Do we ever really find happiness? Or is happiness just something we've created in our minds to help us get through the unreality we've created for ourselves?

Maybe if I tell myself I'm over it enough times, one day it will be true.


I feel like a hero
And you are my heroine.
Do you know that your love
Is the sweetest sin?

So maybe things aren't quite as bad as they seem.

I think I just needed to get away from everything, give myself time to think, talk with my mom, and just generally breathe.

Things aren't necessarily better, but they're not worse which I guess is a blessing in itself.

I got to talk to my brother today for a long time. I really miss him, but I know that he's doing great things. I'm so proud of him I could burst.

I want to get away. I want to fly away.

And the drama continues...just in another form. If it's not one thing, it's another, and quite frankly I'm getting sick of it. I'm tired of being pulled into the middle of situations that I have no control over. I'm tired of being made to look like a bad person. I'm tired of being talked about in conjunction with another person even though there is nothing going on. I'm just tired.

So I decided to go home for a couple of days. Sometimes just getting away from it all is the best medicine.

I don't know though. In one situation I've just decided to give up...again. I have no idea what's going on and I'm pretty sure I won't figure it out any time soon, and if what I've been hearing is true then it's not worth my time anyway. I don't feel like explaining what that means. Let's just say that I like someone, who in all appearances likes me, but...I don't even know. I don't see the problem, if there even is one. Whatever. I don't care anymore.

Ok, yeah, so that's a lie but whatever.

And then that stupid situation...just leave me out of it. I don't need the frustration, the strain on friendships. Just stop.

Like that'll ever happen, right?

I'm so tired of drama, but I'm not naive enough to think that it will ever completely go away. I know my problems seem so small in comparison with others, but these "small" problems deal with my heart and my friendships...

So I guess it's safe to say that although they don't mean a hill of beans in the grand scheme of things, the lines that I'm walking on are very narrow and when I fall the direction of that fall will be life-changing.

These are the best days of our lives

We went to the Alabama National Fair today. It was a lot of fun. =]


A birds-eye view from the very top of the ferris wheel.


Red Robin's freckled lemonade is amazing.

You've got this silly way of keeping me on the edge of my seat.

I don't know what I'm doing...what I'm getting myself into.

You're not supposed to help who you like, so why am I so worried?

I've never been able to see myself being with someone indefinitely, but now I do.

And it scares me...not because it's my future we're talking about.

But because of something else. Something so much deeper.

I want this, more than I've wanted anything in a very long time, but there's no way for it not to end in heartache.

The question is not whether or not I want it because I do.

The question is whether or not I'm willing to risk everything more than I already have.

We're soaring. Flying. There's not a star in heaven that we can't reach.

I don't understand guys...especially the ones I call my friends...

My roommate was dating this guy (well, kind of anyway) and people were talking about it constantly because he's bisexual and she is definitely straight. Anyway, all of his fraternity brothers were pleased that he finally found a girl...well, their joy has been short-lived because not long ago this guy told my roommate that he preferred men to women [he's not gay though] and that he didn't consider the two of them to be dating. So that pretty much ended it.

So since all this has happened, what rights to jealousy does this guy have? I mean, it's not like the two of them were anything special. The most intimate thing they did was kiss...and that doesn't mean anything. They weren't exclusive. They didn't sleep together. And according to him, they were never dating.

Sometimes jealousy is a good thing. It has been in my case here lately. It's let me know that the guy I'm interested in is interested in me (or at least that's how I interpret it). But in this case, it's completely pointless. The way I see it, this guy doesn't want her, but he doesn't want anyone else to have her either.

But I have no idea how this works to his advantage.

And I know I'll be ok though my skies are turning gray

so confusion reigns once more...he had backed off a lot, and when I say a lot I mean that it was noticeable to other people. I don't know what the deal was...but he's been over 2 nights this week (to play Halo, of course) and stayed til well past midnight. The first night we were playing Mortal Kombat and he didn't leave til after 1:00 and the second night he stayed after everyone else had left from playing Halo and we watched some stand-up thing Bob Saget did (you should watch it, it's different...) and didn't leave til 2:30. So...yeah. I don't know.

As for my little problem...haven't seen or heard from him since Wednesday so maybe it's just magically gone away. That would be awesome.

And as for the situation that I'm afraid of...well, it hasn't gotten any better. He called me last night, but luckily I was in Olive Garden with friends and couldn't really talk. I suppose I should call him back sometime today...he sounded a little down over the phone, but there's really no telling with him. I'm just not really in any hurry to put myself into a situation that could so easily make things in my life go badly...not that I'm saying it would, but still. It almost feels like I'm helping him cheat, even though the only thing that's been going on is talking on the phone...pretty much every day. So yeah. I still don't know what to do about him. I'm thinking about doing the whole bowling thing though...but I'll probably take reinforcements. A few of my friends showed interest in going so that could be a plan, and I think I'll try to get him to bring his girlfriend...

I'm jumping in the crowd just to see if they will carry me!

So I have myself a small problem...

Honestly though, if everything was left up to me, it wouldn't be a problem. I just have to worry about my family and the small town I'm from. Just because I have no problem with it whatsoever doesn't mean that the problems those around me would have with it won't affect my life.

So, yeah...it's a problem...but not really...because despite all the problems it would cause, I'm rather tempted...

And that in itself is a problem.

It's not like it couldn't be kept quiet...for a while anyway.

I don't know. Somehow I know it would just be a casual thing, and I'm not what you'd call a casual kind of girl...

But double standards of suspicion are relevant, oh my blue heaven..sometimes it just feels better to give in.

I'm afraid...of a certain situation. I don't think anything bad will happen...no, not really. I just have no idea what he wants. At all. He has a girlfriend. He's talked about his girlfriend to me. I've even talked to him about who I'm interested in. True, I exaggerated a little bit to cover my ass...but again, I don't know what he wants. He says he wants for us to hang out...play tennis...go bowling. He even offered to drive to my hometown and pick me up for said bowling trip. I'm trying really hard to not read too much into this situation...but I'm apprehensive about it. And the dream doesn't help at all. It totally freaked me out, and I know that it's partly influencing my mixed emotions. It took me a long time to get over this kid. A really long time, and every now and then I still feel touches of the same emotions I felt when we were together. He was the best thing that's happened to me in a long time, and you don't just forget something like that...but I'm not in any hurry to do anything with him anytime soon. I don't know. I would feel so much better about this whole thing if I knew what his motive was...if he even has any. He's a really nice guy, one of the few that are left out there, so in all actuality it's probably just a friendship thing. We have known each other for a long time...I just don't know.

Two roads diverged into a wood...

Sometimes I really don't understand people, and I certainly don't understand why they do the things they do. But I think that for the most part, that's how most of society wants things to be. I mean, let's face it...a person is chased after more when there's a certain sense of mystery about them. When you know everything about a person up-front, it takes all the fun out of getting to know them...but still. Having some basic knowledge of a person would really make it easier to understand why they act the way they act, i.e. do the things they do.

For example, a friend of mine recently made the decision that she couldn't be a girlfriend and friend at the same time. I guess I should call her my former friend then, huh? Anyway. Out of our entire group of friends, I never would have thought that this girl in particular would sell all of us out...especially for a guy. I mean, when it comes down to it, it's never a question of having to choose between your boyfriend and your friends. You make concessions. True, it makes it a lot harder to be in a relationship with someone if your friends don't like him, but your true friends would never turn their back on you just because you're dating someone they disapprove of. They may not support the relationship, but they do support you. And let's face it, when you never introduce your friends to your boyfriend (a five minute run-in does not count as meeting!), it causes things to be strained. I, for one, want my friends to meet whomever it is I happen to be dating.

So, this former friend of mine has basically thrown the friendship of a very tightly knit group of girls out the window...all for some guy that she barely ever sees but thinks she loves. Ok, so that was a little mean. She may, in fact, love him. Who am I to judge...but love is based off of a relationship, and I don't understand how the two of them have a relationship when they never see each other. Yes, long-distance relationships can work...if the couple has a past they can base it on. But long-distance relationships are almost always destined to fail if the relationship is long-distance from the get-go...and I know this from experience.

I'm not knocking her relationship with this guy. In fact, I wish her all the happiness in the world, and as long as she's happy then I'm happy for her. I guess all I'm trying to say is that I don't understand what's happened to her. She's changed so much since last year...and while some of the changes aren't bad, overall when you add them all together she hasn't changed for the better. I'll always love her and don't want anything bad to happen to her...I just don't understand how she could just walk out of our friendship so easily.

Road Trip

I just spent an entire week in South Carolina with side trips to North Carolina and Virginia. My brother just graduated from basic training at Fort Jackson so my family made the 6 hour trip up there to see him. Then we made another 6 hour trip to Virginia to take him to AIT at Fort Eustis (it's near Virginia Beach). Then we drove two hours into North Carolina and spent the night and on Sunday we drove 10 hours just to get back to my hometown...then I had to drive two more hours to get back to Troy! So I'm a week behind in all my classes, but getting to see how much my brother has changed for the better was so worth it.

This is my brother :)

All the soldiers coming onto the field at family day :)

The final pass by and review