So the tears are pretty much gone. The hardest part was actually going through with it. But he wanted to hang out this afternoon, and I went over there and stayed all afternoon with him because I'm stupid. I guess this is him trying. I don't know. I don't want to not be with him, but if things are the way they were I can't continue to be with him. I'm still single and it's not like we'll be back together tomorrow. But at least it's not completely finished.

So I bit the bullet. I broke up with him. And it hurts more than I imagined. Who knew doing the right thing could be heart-breaking?

I always forget I have this, which would account for the reason why I haven't posted since April. But I've come to the conclusion that sometimes I want to write without everyone I know seeing it. Because only one friend of mine knows I have this, and she doesn't use it anymore...

I can't believe I've been dating the same guy for almost eight months and that I'm considering breaking up with him. Not because he's a bad person. Not because he doesn't make me happy, because he makes me very happy...when we're together, which isn't often. He always has homework or has to study or falls asleep because he's been doing homework or studying, so we don't ever spend any time together. And he lives a ten minute walk away from me. I've been toying with the breakup idea for a while now but just haven't been able to bring myself to any action that would result in me breaking my own heart. The truth is, I don't know what to do. But I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only person in this relationship who gives a damn about it.

So you know how it feels when you first get together with someone? How happy you are, but also how attentive you are to every little detail about your "relationship" with that person? How when people who may or may not know about the two of you make random comments about the person that happen to show the person in a negative light you don't necessarily believe the comments but it sticks in the back of your mind? It's one of those things you can't avoid because you like the person and want to be with them and you want to find out whether you like him on your own, not based on the comments of others. Yeah...

i haven't done this in a while which is very surprising considering the amount of stuff i've had on my mind here lately...well the truth is, i'm not sure i could even put all the things running through my head into words. there's just so much going on. sometimes i feel like i'm going crazy.

this semester is almost over, 2 more weeks. then i'll be a senior in college and starting my summer internship and only 2 semesters left of school. i don't think anyone other than myself could grasp the fears, the doubts, the excitement running through my mind all at once. i'm so ready for this semester to end; it's been so stressful, but now that the close of the semester is actually drawing close i find myself wishing it wasn't all happening so fast. i can't believe i've been in college for 3 years. i've made some amazing friends and the closer to graduation i get, the closer i get to all of us being split up. and i know that true friendship can handle that, but it's scary you know? i'm about to be out in the real world...i'll be the first of our group of friends to graduate, followed very closely by stephanie. i'm not ready to be a grown-up. not yet anyway. it's a scary concept. i'm not ready for my time in this town to be over. it's become like my home. but at the same time that i'm feeling so self-conscious about my ability to succeed after graduation, i'm actually really excited to be embarking on such an incredible journey - life. i'm only 21 years old. still so young. i have my whole life ahead of me. i just wish it would slow down a little.

and then, of course, there's the whole deal with my internship this summer. getting all the details worked out for that was extremely stressful. summer fees are ridiculously high, but luckily i got something worked out with the director of the department so that i can actually afford everything. my internship is actually the one thing i'm looking forward to more than anything right now. i'm going to be doing a little bit of everything - writing, layout, some advertising, and even some event planning. the only downfall is that it's unpaid so i'm going to have to find a job so i won't be completely broke.

i'm not even going to get into my love life. let's just say that it's nonexistant right now. there's this guy who i thought liked me but it's been an entire semester and he just asked someone else for my number a couple of weeks ago...but he hasn't done anything with my number. so i don't know what's going on there. i would date him if only he asked. i mean, he's smart, good-looking, and he makes me laugh. can't go wrong there, right? but so far absolutely nothing has happened, and it honestly doesn't look like anything ever will. oh well.

the other guy (you should know who) has actually started back acting normally around me again. you have no idea how big of a relief it is...although sometimes he gets a little too friendly. actually, last week was really bad in regards to that. by the end of the week i was so frustrated with the situation and didn't know what i should do about it that i kind of had a meltdown, for which i apologize to anyone who walked into it. it's just really hard to be friends with a guy you were once involved with and still have feelings for. i mean, i'll always have feelings for him. much as i don't want to, i love the kid. but no one has to worry. i'm not going to do anything about those feelings. it would be so easy to fall back into it though (if he didn't have a girlfriend, that is), especially now that things are so much better between us. by him being so "friendly" towards me, it keeps reminding me of why i liked him and wanted to be with him in the first place. then add to that the fact that he has a girlfriend, a.k.a. guilt on my part...hence the major frustration of last week. but don't worry. it's all better. we're friends, nothing more. and i seriously doubt anything else will come of it.

So he's finally acting normally again. And I'm so glad because it would break my heart if I lost him as a friend. I still like him. I'm still attracted to him. But he's still with her, and I've gotten to know her and she's become one of my friends. Things aren't going well with them. But if they do break up I don't know what will happen. I don't know what I feel, what I want. I just don't know.

Everybody would say I'm crazy, an idiot. But I can't help it. I thought I was over it, but I guess not.

And then there's the other one. I thought there might be something there but he's never around enough for anything to develop. Basically I've just given up hope on him...and the rumors I've been hearing aren't too comforting.

I guess I'm just going to be single for a while. I don't particularly like it, especially since I always feel like a fifth wheel or whatnot. But it's not all bad. At least I'm not dating someone who's in a fraternity that rules his life.

So he's finally acting normally again. And I'm so glad because it would break my heart if I lost him as a friend. I still like him. I'm still attracted to him. But he's still with her, and I've gotten to know her and she's become one of my friends. Things aren't going well with them. But if they do break up I don't know what will happen. I don't know what I feel, what I want. I just don't know.

So I found out that my ex has been telling people we slept together. Now if somebody actually had the guts to ask me about it, I wouldn't deny it. I'm not ashamed of it. I don't regret it. It wasn't supposed to happen, no. But it did. And I won't run away from the truth of it. But it's no one else's business and he has no right to tell other people.

I don't know whether to confront him about it. If I do it could solve the problem or make it worse. He's already angry with me, and if I add fuel to that anger it could cause him to tell more people than he already has and it eventually get back to my family. And that would be disastrous.

I don't regret it, but I wish it had never happened.