So you know how it feels when you first get together with someone? How happy you are, but also how attentive you are to every little detail about your "relationship" with that person? How when people who may or may not know about the two of you make random comments about the person that happen to show the person in a negative light you don't necessarily believe the comments but it sticks in the back of your mind? It's one of those things you can't avoid because you like the person and want to be with them and you want to find out whether you like him on your own, not based on the comments of others. Yeah...

i haven't done this in a while which is very surprising considering the amount of stuff i've had on my mind here lately...well the truth is, i'm not sure i could even put all the things running through my head into words. there's just so much going on. sometimes i feel like i'm going crazy.

this semester is almost over, 2 more weeks. then i'll be a senior in college and starting my summer internship and only 2 semesters left of school. i don't think anyone other than myself could grasp the fears, the doubts, the excitement running through my mind all at once. i'm so ready for this semester to end; it's been so stressful, but now that the close of the semester is actually drawing close i find myself wishing it wasn't all happening so fast. i can't believe i've been in college for 3 years. i've made some amazing friends and the closer to graduation i get, the closer i get to all of us being split up. and i know that true friendship can handle that, but it's scary you know? i'm about to be out in the real world...i'll be the first of our group of friends to graduate, followed very closely by stephanie. i'm not ready to be a grown-up. not yet anyway. it's a scary concept. i'm not ready for my time in this town to be over. it's become like my home. but at the same time that i'm feeling so self-conscious about my ability to succeed after graduation, i'm actually really excited to be embarking on such an incredible journey - life. i'm only 21 years old. still so young. i have my whole life ahead of me. i just wish it would slow down a little.

and then, of course, there's the whole deal with my internship this summer. getting all the details worked out for that was extremely stressful. summer fees are ridiculously high, but luckily i got something worked out with the director of the department so that i can actually afford everything. my internship is actually the one thing i'm looking forward to more than anything right now. i'm going to be doing a little bit of everything - writing, layout, some advertising, and even some event planning. the only downfall is that it's unpaid so i'm going to have to find a job so i won't be completely broke.

i'm not even going to get into my love life. let's just say that it's nonexistant right now. there's this guy who i thought liked me but it's been an entire semester and he just asked someone else for my number a couple of weeks ago...but he hasn't done anything with my number. so i don't know what's going on there. i would date him if only he asked. i mean, he's smart, good-looking, and he makes me laugh. can't go wrong there, right? but so far absolutely nothing has happened, and it honestly doesn't look like anything ever will. oh well.

the other guy (you should know who) has actually started back acting normally around me again. you have no idea how big of a relief it is...although sometimes he gets a little too friendly. actually, last week was really bad in regards to that. by the end of the week i was so frustrated with the situation and didn't know what i should do about it that i kind of had a meltdown, for which i apologize to anyone who walked into it. it's just really hard to be friends with a guy you were once involved with and still have feelings for. i mean, i'll always have feelings for him. much as i don't want to, i love the kid. but no one has to worry. i'm not going to do anything about those feelings. it would be so easy to fall back into it though (if he didn't have a girlfriend, that is), especially now that things are so much better between us. by him being so "friendly" towards me, it keeps reminding me of why i liked him and wanted to be with him in the first place. then add to that the fact that he has a girlfriend, a.k.a. guilt on my part...hence the major frustration of last week. but don't worry. it's all better. we're friends, nothing more. and i seriously doubt anything else will come of it.