So basically, I have no idea what's going on.

I feel like we're right back where we started. The communication is better, but it doesn't feel like either of us are putting forth any effort to see each other. I don't feel like we talk, not for real anyway. We talk about movies, what we've been doing (which is kind of personal I guess), other people, but never about us or what we're going to do as a couple for the future. I'm not blaming it on him. In fact, I know that a lot of it's my fault. It's not like I actually try to broach those subjects. I don't know why. As wonderful as it feels to be with him, sometimes it feels like I can't talk to him. I know that's dumb, but it's the truth.

I'm also feeling kind of guilty about not telling certain people about our reopened lines of communication, but at the same time I don't have the time or the patience to listen to all the crap that announcement is going to cause. Right now I just need some time to figure out what I'm doing and what I want.

I guess we're back together. I'm not sure if I consider him my boyfriend. I'm really worried about what's going to happen after I graduate. I have no idea where I'm going to be, and if I'm far enough away I know a relationship with him won't last. So now I'm second-guessing my decision to give it another shot because I'm not sure if it will be worth it in the long run. I broke my heart of my own accord the first go 'round. I don't think I can handle it being broken on account of the same situation again.

I watched a movie with him yesterday. It was the first time in 3 1/2 months that I've done anything one-on-one with him. I've been forbidden to get back together with him by certain people, but I still like him and even though I didn't even let him kiss me, it was really easy to remember why. I actually had a good time, including the unintentional nap I took with him. I don't know what's going to happen or if I want anything to happen at all. I told him that I wasn't going to set myself up for anything and that I refused to be a friend with benefits. And I think he understands that if he really wants to try this again that he's going to have to work for it, but I'm not sure if I believe he has/can change/d. It's all overwhelming.

And then there's my other situation. I think it's coming to a close though. I haven't talked to or seen him in a week. But I've been expecting it so it's not a big deal. Besides, nothing good could come of it anyway.

I want a love like Johnny and June.
Rings of fire, burning with you.
I want to walk the line, walk the line
Until the end of time.
I want to love,
Love you that much,
Cash it all in,
Give it all up.
And when you gone I want to go, too,
Like Johnny and June.

I don't know what I want anymore.

This semester has had absolutely no sense of normalcy whatsoever. Prof is gone. The yearbook is overwhelming because I have no advisory help. Spanish is getting on my last nerve, mainly because I'm taking too many at once. We're not having a symposium or a prom. I have no idea what I'm going to do when I graduate. I have no one to help me look for jobs. I'm getting attached to people that I'm going to lose when I graduate. I'm pretty much terrified that I'm not going to be able to do what I've always wanted to, that I'm going to be single forever because I'm not worthy of love, that I'm never going to be truly happy. I don't want to be an adult.